It’s hard hiding part of who I am, a lot harder than I imagined. I never fully turned away from my beliefs. It was very gradual. There was no turning point where I woke up and decided “I don’t believe.” No moment that stands out where I said “I give up.” It didn’t happen overnight but here I am 5 or 6 years later pretending I never cared at all. Pretending that I don’t want to go to church, that I don’t care if my kids never know a Bible verse, pretending that I am happy living this way. It is all an act because inside I am so broken. The person I once was is no longer and all that is left is an actress barely making it by. When I first met him I didn’t realize how it would be. Sure, I “knew” that having different beliefs in a relationship was “wrong.” I know it was frowned upon and “against the Bible.” What I didn’t know is that it destroys you. Never once growing up in church did anyone really explain what happens when you fade away from God and commit to something so far from where you should be. I don’t know why no one steps up and says “this happened to me. It was awful.’” But the truth is, even if they had, I don’t even know if I would have really listened. Being stubborn and strong-headed, I did what I wanted and now I am paying the consequences. I don’t even mention God, praying, church, or the Bible anymore. I laugh along with the negative comments and belittle those who still believe. I pretend like I hate the God to be able to pretend that I am loved by someone incapable of truly loving me. I live in a constant nightmare of fear and torment. Lying in a bed I made, too proud to admit my mistake, too fearful to stand up for myself or my children, I close my eyes and secretly cry for the life I could have had. There is no greater torture then denying who you really are inside. I look at the tattoos on my wrists “loved rom5:8” For God demonstrates His love towards us in that, while we were still sinners Christ died for us. I tell myself that God doesn’t really love me, He doesn’t care about me, or He just doesn’t exist. Most days I think about getting a cover up or using tattoo removing methods to rid myself of the constant reminder that no matter what I really still am loved and that despite all my awful decisions God is still there for me. I wear bracelets that cover them up and I dread every time someone asks “what does your tattoos say?” Marriage is forever. That is one moral I did hold onto. I will never be free from what I have done. I know every day will be the same way. I will never hear my children say…
“We are going to church! Yay!” Abbey cries from the backseat. I am not quite as awake as she is but I smile at her excitement and glance at my husband to catch his smile. There is honestly nothing more amazing than hearing your children loving God. I realize at 2 years old she doesn’t fully know everything she is saying but I can hear the excitement and wonder in her voice. “My God’s not dead, He’s surely alive!” She chants while walking through Wal-Mart. I honestly never imagined I would hear those words. I never thought that we would go to church as a family. Thankfully, fantasy isn’t all good. Sometimes it can be a nightmare. Now I didn’t always plan to marry someone who didn’t believe the same as me, like I said it was a very slow change. But once I was stuck in that world I would lay and wonder how the rest of my life would be. I would imagine and try to figure out how to keep living that way. My whole future from that point was planned on the fact that I had to hide. Until the amazing day it changed. God plans outside of my limited fantasy world. He sees what I can never see. When I thought all hope was lost He stepped in and said that it never will be. He took the nightmare I was living in and turned it into the most amazing, joyful reality. Of course things are far from perfect. We still fight. I don’t always want to get up for church so early. I don’t pray or read my Bible as much as I should but I am joyful. I am happy for the first time in over 3 years I can honestly say I am happy. I guess growing up I took knowing God and being able to freely attend church, pray, and talk about God for granted. I never knew how much it hurts to not be able to until I was no longer free to do so. Now that God has not only brought me back to Him, but also brought my husband to Himself I feel overflowed with joy! Now I am still just as cranky as always and still get overwhelmed and depressed about life because my life is so far from perfect but I know that God is ALWAYS there and I never will lose that again. I thank God everyday for giving me my faith and my family back. I no longer look at my future and face a nightmare. I look at my future and face fantastical actuality. I am living a dream I thought I would never get back.