Nothing could be better than lying on the couch with my children, enjoying some quality time in the morning before beginning our day. Surrounded by my favorite little people, I smile while watching a cheesy, supposedly educational show on Nick Jr. I can smell the fresh scent coming from the bathroom as my husband showers, getting ready for work. All too quickly the bedroom door opens and out steps my finely dressed man ready to take on his day. He kisses me and the kids good bye and heads off to work. Of course, we are sad to see him go but we know in a few hours he will be home to join us for dinner. After the show is over, I ask my oldest to set the table while I make my favorite breakfast, eggs and bacon. Everyone sits down at the table to eat and we laugh and talk and have a great time. Mornings are a peaceful and happy time in our house.
Then the alarm clock goes off. BUZZ, BUZZ, BUZZ. I roll over and repeatedly push on my husband until he grunts “what!?!?” “The alarm!” I growl at him. He hits the snooze and for 5 more minutes we both close our eyes. BUZZ, BUZZ, BUZZ. “I got it!” Abbey screams while running into our room to hit the snooze button for us. Such a good little girl. “I want cereal and ‘malk’.” She demands. I try to ask her to wait. 2 year olds don’t know how to wait. So I force myself out of bed, zombie walk into a kitchen to pour her a bowl of cereal. “’Malk!’” She screams at me. I don’t know why she feels like I will forget the milk. I have never forgotten her milk but everyone morning she makes sure I know how important it is. I turn on the TV, usually Bubble Guppies or Yo Gabba Gabba, leave her cereal on the coffee table and crawl back into bed for another 5 minutes before the alarm goes off. “We really need to get up.” My husband tells me. “I know.” I respond, yet we both lay there. At some point the 1 year old starts to cry and that is when I know I am up for the day. I grab her and pass her off to Devin, ask Abbey if she is done eating. She isn’t. Take a quick shower and get dressed for the day. With the diaper bag packed, my purse overflowing with work supplies and cracker crumbs, and the kids in tow we all head out to our junker and start our day before the sun even rises. After dropping Devin off at his job I begin the very, very long journey to my mom’s house. The ride isn’t that far but Abbey’s crying and begging makes it awful. “I don’t go to Oma’s house! I stay with you, mama! I love you so much. Please, mama. I don’t go!!!!” I like my job. I like the people and the company. I like the work and what I do. I die every day away from my girls. I never imagined life this way. It honestly tears me up inside. In my mind I am a stay at home mom. I send my husband off to work while I stay home and take care of my babies. In my fantasy world, I never have to leave them. In actuality, I leave them, screaming and crying, 4 days a week. I really don’t know how much more days I can keep doing it. Unfortunately, in our life right now we don’t have a choice. Without me working we wouldn’t have enough to pay the bills. I make the most of it and walk into the office every morning with a smile on my face and make it though the day until I return to my angels. Being away from them so much just makes every moment sweeter. It hurts to be away, like it really, really hurts every day but it is worth it. We provide a house over their head, all the food they need and want, clothes, and everything else they need. We work hard but we do it on our own (well, mostly). I know 1 day that things will be different and they will be grateful for the sacrifices I made so they can have a home but right now they don’t understand. To be honest, neither do I. All I really know is I wake up every morning to chaos that is nothing close to what I had always imagined and I say a quick prayer and start my day. God has given me a very good job, a wonderful place for my girls to spend their days when away from me, and a new day to live for Him. My reality isn’t perfect. It is no where near what I had imagined. But if it means that my girls are happy and we are able to take care of ourselves its worth it. My actuality is not fantastic but its mine and it is a blessing.